Tuesday 3 June 2008

Patrick is sympaffetic ter Chelsea. Yolande is fussin' and gabblin' on about callin' the bloody bobbies, right, and Patrick says the last fin' she needs is a fussin' bint gahn ON and ON and ON about it. He tells 'er that she don't 'ave ter talk about it, right, even wen she nearly tells them why she were mugged, right, sayin' it were 'er fault, and almost spillin' the bloody story. He sits dahn wiv 'er and goes on about carryin' on wiv 'er life, right, and then gets maudlin about Jim, and goes on about livin' life and keepin' good memories, and 'e 'ands Chelsea a wad of cash (a couple of 'undred pounds) and says ter buy a nice dress, a cheap flight abroad, or 'ave a good night out and drink. Mickey, Dorn and Darren all winge about the lottery ticket and they 'ave been 'ave a lookin' at it since about 04:30. Keiff appears in the kitchen and winges pretentiously "for the want of a nail" - 'e lost an entire kingdom due ter his sluvnly tendencies and lack of needlecraft skills, ffen 'e sighs "it's only brass". He promises ter make it up, and cop a Uncle Bob. I'll get out me spoons. Bradley goes ter ask Jack's advice about Maggie's lunch invitation, right, and Jack says ruddy ladies are complicated, right, and wotever 'e fought she meant about it, there is a good chance that she meant exactly the opposite. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Bianca takes Liam ter school, and Libby, 'oo 'as been teachin' 'im, says she finks 'e 'as dyslexia. Jack goes ter the salon ask for a massage, right, sayin' that 'e 'as a bad back, he were copping ready for a workout and 'is hammer and tack just went. He and Tanya smile as they 'ave this conversation, in front of Claire. Tanya says they are fully booked because Chelsean 'asn't turned up for work today. Claire quickly offers ter do the bloody massage, right, even fough she ain't trained, right? She says ter Jack ravver flirtatiously, "go on in and cop yor kit off." Tanya 'ave a looks worried and, wen they go in, annoyed. The chuffin' salon's background music is "Luv Will Tear Us Apart." Jack comes out of the massage grinnin', and goes ter the bleedin' desk ter pay, do wot guvnor! Tanya is stony-faced and says "cash or card." Jack jokes, right, is that a trick question, right, and wen she won't crack a smile, he says "come on, Tan." She glares at 'im and says she 'ad a gutful of that sort of comment from Max, and don't even fink about messing games. Bradley 'as 'is lunch meetin', right, and Maggie gives 'im a long lesson on sales techniques and/or 'is Uncle Bob appraisal, and then says 'e 'as a nice smile, right, and they will do this again soon, and gives 'im a kiss, right, on the lips this time, before she leaves. Keiff gets on the bleedin' bus ter the bleedin' Uncle Bob centre wiv Bianca, right, 'oo tells 'im all the details of all the Queen Bess and 'assle, and 'e gets off the bus and goes ter the rub-a-dub instead. Dorn finds 'im there and 'e makes up some unlikely and divvyic lies about wot 'e did there. Then Bianca comes in and says 'e should 'ave come ter the Uncle Bob centre - she got a Uncle Bob for 500 quid stuffin' envelopes, and there were various uvver Uncle Bobs. Dorn screeches at 'im, right, callin' 'im a lazy scrounger, 'oo 'as done naff soddin' all, right, and wot were that 'e said about scroungers, and 'e mutters about family, and Dorn replies firmly that 'e ain't her favver. The bloomin' rest of them go indoors and Keiff shouts misquotes at them, right, sayin' that brass is the bleedin' root of all evil. Tanya tells Claire the till is 200 quid short, "do I 'ave mug written on me forehead?" They boff go ter see Chelsea and Tanya says she is sacked for nickin' the bleedin' brass, right, 200 quid from the bloody till. Patrick shows Tanya out and Chelsea 'ave a looks at Claire and says she took anuvver 'undred quid, then? Claire grins and says wot did she expect. Patrick is furious that Chelsean 'ad 'im feelin' sorry for 'er, and she says that it weren't like that, Claire twists fings, and Tanya were tryin' ter do 'er out of 'er wages. Patrick says sarcastically poor wee Chelsea, she is always blamin' some bloke else, right, ravver than takin' a 'ave a look in the mirror - that she's so right fond of. Patrick says wiv finality, right, grow up or leave me 'ouse - yor choice. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? He goes ter find Yolande ter apologise and say that she were right all along and tell 'er all about Tanya's visit. Yolande says that Chelsea's muvver is comin' back, and Patrick 'ad better go and says sorry ter Chelsea as well. He offers Yolande dinner and a bit of makin' up for 'is cheeky words. Chelsea goes ter pack, and finds out that the tatty jacket she were wearin' wen she were mugged still 'as the bloody bag of drugs in the pocket. She gets it out and the bloomin' mirror is on the bloomin' table, right, wen Patrick comes hammer and tack and says thank god she 'asn't left yet, he is sorry and luvs 'er. Junkie Chelsea is twitchin' and gigglin' as 'e says this and then 'e spots the bloody cocaine ready ter be sniffed on the bleedin' table and is even more annoyed than 'e were before. Right. Jack goes ter make up wiv Tanya, bringing luvly flowers and beggin' nicely sayin' 'e is on 'is knees, right, (he is goin' on and feedin' flowers frough the letterbox) for 'er ter let 'im in. She smiles and kisses 'im, right, and they are up the apples and pears by the chuffin' time Lauren comes 'ome unexpectedly early. Tanya rushes dahn, slightly breaffless and as she 'ustles Lauren into the bloomin' lounge, she 'as 'er dress tucked into 'er knickers at the bleedin' back. Jack sneaks out. A mesterious 'and picks up Keiff's lost lottery ticket.