Friday 27 June 2008

Bradley and Stacey wonder why the front door is struck, right, and 'e realises it is locked, and Jean and Dot did it on purpose. He says why don't they just rabbit and pork since that's obviously wot they want, and they will be hammer and tack soon. Stacey says she is claustrophobic, right, and almost smashes a window ter get out, but Bradley puts the mockers on 'er, right, sayin' 'e luvs 'er. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. He says 'e 'as forgiven 'er, it were all Max's fault, and Stacey says thanks, but she 'asn't forgiven 'erself, and she couldn't take it if Bradley decided later 'e couldn't live wiv 'er. She says Bradley said 'e fought she'd cheat on 'im again some time. Right. He says 'e were upset at the time. She says it's Mae West to leave it as mates. Tanya and Max argue about 'im movin' hammer and tack in. He is aggressive and belligerent and she gives in and says she 'as been seein' some bloke else, init?She is frightened and says 'e is 'urtin' 'er as 'e is grabbin' 'er. He insists that she tells 'im 'oo it is and wen she tells 'im, he says that Jack took advantage of 'er and Jack only wants 'er because she belongs ter him. The bloody shoutin' wakes up Abi, right, 'oo comes dahn the apples and pears and asks woss 'appenin'. Max freatens ter tell the kids wot duplicitous wee 'oore Tanya is, and says guess wot Abi, right, yer know yor uncle Jack, eh, luv? She is all ears, waitin' for the bleedin' reveal and Max says 'e ain't Daddy's favourite geezer right now, and 'e goes over ter see Jack. Max walks in and tells Jack that Tanya took 'im back. Jack says sceptically, right, isit?Max can't keep it up and attacks Jack, and says were it a mistake, then, guv? Jack says no, he luvs 'er, and Max ain't exactly on the bloody strongest ground ter preach about fidelity and loyalty. He says Tanya were strugglin' and 'e were 'ave a lookin' out for 'er, right, and 'e is sorry, right, but that were a recent development, right, and 'e is just gahn wiv 'is 'eart. Max says 'e knows Jack only wants ter get hammer and tack at 'im. He says Jack must 'ave been laughin' wen 'e told Jack 'e 'ad changed. Jack says no, he felt a bit sorry, but 'e knows Max won't change. Max says Jack lied ter his kids. Jack is astounded and says "they're children, wotcher want me ter do - cop ffem up the apples and pears ter wotch me servicin' their muvver?" Jack tells Max ter take a step back, right, he's not gahn anywhere, and will be wiv Tanya like it or not. Jack says she is mine now and frankly yer don't stand a chance of copping 'er back. Max frows a punch but Jack is obviously a better fighter and gets 'im in a bobbies arm lock on the chuffin' floor in seconds. Tanya walks in. Jack says it got out of 'and, and asks Max if 'e 'as calmed dahn and is gonna behave 'imself. Cor blimey guv! Max asks ter talk ter Tanya alone, and 'e tells 'er that 'e were a mess wivout 'er, and fought 'e were gahn mad, all 'e wanted were 'er. He says 'e didn't call or visit 'er because 'e promised. He did all that, because 'e luvd 'er. He says she 'as ter believe 'im. Cor blimey guv! She says yes, right, she believes 'e tried, that's good, and wen 'e left she wanted it back, but then she got a grip and she got better and Jack 'appened, and she fell in luv wiv 'im. She luvs Jack, right, and she's sorry. Jack walks in, and Max gets bitchy again and says Jack don't knows a few wee fings about 'is darlin' ole lady and wot she did before 'e left. Tanya says don't, but Max continues, and says Tanya and Sean tried ter kill 'im, right, bury 'im alive. Jack stares at Max wiv a straight Nanny Goat Race and says yes, he knows, she told 'im, right, last week, and 'e were flattered that she trusted 'im that much. He says "I know, and I approve; the only fin' she did wrong were dig yer up again." Jack stands wiv 'is arm 'round Tanya and says there is nuffink Max can do that will split them up - Max can eever accept it or slink oray. Max says Jack were the bloody favourite son, but 'e will pay for this, he's gonna lose. Jack tells 'im ter show 'imself out. Max turns on Tanya, right, addin' all that stuff about trust, right, understandin' is the pack of lies 'e always fought it were. Max says Jack is only wiv 'er because she is 'is - there are better 'ave a lookin', yunger bints 'round, and Jack wouldn't 'ave a look twice at 'er if she weren't 'is

Thursday 26 June 2008

Bianca tries ter sell some ole kit ter Stacey's stall and after 'er cheeky shoutin' in the chuffin' restaurant, right, Stacey ain't at all interested. In the café, Bradley tells Dot 'ow much 'e likes bein' wiv Stacey. Denise is annoyed that Lucas is 'angin' 'round the chuffin' square and copping muckerly wiv Vinnie wen they play footie in the bloody square. Vinnie and Ricky mention the Vic rub-a-dub footie team. Max is stayin' at Jack's and Jack goes ter talk ter him about Tanya. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Max wines to Jack that 'e luvs Tanya and wants 'er back. Jack goes ter suggest ter Tanya that 'e tell Max about them, that might cop rid of 'im. Tanya says she couldn't sleep at all; she is so worried about it. Jack reassures 'er and they kiss, in 'is office. Max knocks and walks in. He asks Jack a favour, to rabbit and pork ter Tanya. Jack says no, right, it is between them. Max 'angs 'round the bloomin' cage and Jane asks 'im 'ow long 'e is 'round, right, and says Jane 'as been doin' right well wivout 'im 'round. Max asks Bradley for a drink and 'e replies that they were sposed ter go out for a drink before but Max just disappeared. Yolande invites Lucas's son in because 'e 'as lost 'is key and Lucas ain't home from work. Denise gets 'ome and is 'orrified that Yolande 'as let 'im in. After they 'ave 'ave a looked after 'im for 'ours, right, Lucas comes ter pick 'im up, right, and Denise says that 'e 'as done a great Uncle Bob wiv that child. Lucas says 'e would like ter make it up ter Chelsea too. Stacey thanks Bradley for last night and then goes ter see she muvver and check she 'as taken the tablets. Her muvver 'as taken the liffium and needs more Valium tablets on 'er prescription. Right. Jean is listenin' ter morbid Cliff Richard songs and Stacey offers ter make 'er food. She finds out that Ted 'as rung ter apologise profusely for missin' 'er calls wile 'e were oray, right, and say that 'e fought the date were tonight. He turns up on a motorbike wiv flowers and Stacey tries ter get rid of 'im, but Jean invites 'im in. Stacey keeps interruptin' as 'e asks Jean ter go out and start again, right, and Stacey keeps sayin' Jean ain't interested, right, and she ain't well enough. Jean says she would like to, but Stacey is right, she 'as an illness that won't ever go oray - a mental illness. He leaves and Stacey tells Jean ter dog and bone him and say she 'as changed 'er mind. Jean says no, she wants ter take the risk, and go out wiv 'im, even if she gets 'urt. Stacey insists on accompanyin' 'er. She sits and 'as drinks wiv Bradley and Dot. Ted and Jean 'ave a nice date, right, fro about an 'our, right, ffen 'e 'as ter go ter let 'is dog out. I'll get out me spoons. Dot says it's nice for Jean ter have some attention. Wen Ted 'as left, Jean and Dot gossip wile Stacey and Bradley cop drinks and they decide that Bradley and Stacey are made for each uvver, if only they would rabbit and pork. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Wen they all ball of chalk back ter Dot's she makes Bradley and Stacey go in first ter check the house is safe and Bradley leaves 'is keys in the door, right, outside, init?Jean giggles and tells Dot they could lock them in, right, for their own right good, right, just for 'alf an 'our, to force them ter talk. Jane tells Mr Masood that 'is son left 'is packed lunch (a bit of Indian food), and 'e laughs yes, I bet 'e bought a cheese and pickle roll instead. Jane says she 'as the packed lunch box 'ere somewhere. Later, Ian finds it and tastes the food and is impressed so goes round ter ask Mrs Masood ter cook Indian menus for 'im, and leaves 'is business card. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Mr Masood says actually 'e were the bloody cook, right, not 'is ole lady. Ian says that makes sense (he is far readier ter accept a male chef is good). Max goes ter ask Tanya of 'e can sleep there, right, on the sofa, see the chuffin' kids, cook meals for 'er, right, to make 'er life better. She says 'er life is not so bad. He says 'e 'as changed. Cor blimey guv! Tanya reminds 'im wot 'e said wen they first moved ter Walford, he 'as changed, right, no more affairs, etc, all exactly the same as 'e is sayin' now, right, ffen 'e slept wiv 'is son's fiancee. Max goes ter settle the baby, and Jack phones ter check she is Not so bad, right, and tells Tanyan 'e luvs 'er

Tuesday 24 June 2008

Abi is, o'course, delighted ter see Max. Tanya leaves the bleedin' room quickly and Dot quickly arranges pass-ffe-parcel. Bernadette is tellin' some bloke that men should be neutered. Stacey asks Vinnie if 'e's seen 'er muvver, right, and 'e tells 'er that she went on a date ter Fargo's. Cor blimey guv! Stacey panics and says she 'as ter get there, but there are no cabs available. Denise is told that she 'as ter start right oray - and 'er first fare is Lucas. She refuses and Vinnie says in that case, he will give the Uncle Bob ter Masood. She takes Lucas, right, reluctantly and cheekyly. At Tanya's, Max gives Abi some jewellery, and she points out ter Bradley that 'is new company car is bein' started. He runs out and finds Stacey is drivin', as she can't cop to Fargo's any uvver way and 'e left the keys in it. He offers ter drive 'er, init? At Fargo's, Ricky 'as taken Bianca and she insists on takin' all 'er kids and Pat. The waiter tells Bianca that the voucher is for a free-course meal for two adults, and Pat quickly says she can pay the extra. Jean is still waitin' for Ted, and Bianca's 'orrible wee ginger girl goes and pesters Jean, 'oo is nervous and several times asks the waiter or any fairy ter put the mockers on the brat 'angin' 'round and starin' at 'er, and shrieks at 'er ter go oray. Bianca then suddenly takes notice of Jean's comments and goes over and shouts at Jean not ter shout at a kid. Stacey tells Bianca ter go frough 'er if she wants ter bully 'er muvver. Jean is frantic and upset. Bradley drives them 'ome, right, and Jean says she feels sick and needs ter open the window. Bradley says "not in me new car". He turns hammer and tack to 'ave a look at the bloomin' road, right, and spots a bobby putting the mockers on traffic, and almost runs 'im dahn. Bianca tells Stacey that Jean shouldn't be let out on 'er own, the tart is off 'er 'ed. Stacey calms Jean dahn and asks 'er why she didn't take 'er tablets. Jean says she didn't like feelin' numb, right? She gets frantic and knocks over a glass, right, and the chuffin' waiter tells 'er ter just leave it, and asks Bradley if 'e plans ter sit there all night. Then 'e asks if Jean is 'is muvver-in-lor, right, and Bradley says ruefully yes. The chuffin' waiter leaves the bloody bill and Stacey comforts 'er muvver 'oo is cryin' about Ted not turnin' up. In the square, right, Dot 'ave a looks at Debbie's rose and says that it will survive wiv a bit of waterin', right, and Claire is upset, and walks off sayin' she is gahn out, don't wait up. Bianca tries ter tell the waiter she won't pay for it, right, because there is an 'air in 'er food. He goes ter the kitchen and comes hammer and tack sayin' that the bloody hair is ginger and there are no gingers in 'is kitchen. He leaves the (huge) bill. Bianca guzzles wine and says she didn't want ter come ter this poxy restaurant in any case, right, and this is all Ricky's fault. No-one 'as any cash, and Pat realises that she didn't brin' 'er purse, because she were told it were a free meal. Biancan 'as ter grovel ter the bleedin' manager sayin' she can't pay. The waiter tells 'is assistant ter call the bobbies. Pat says quickly that they must be able ter settle this, and the waiter tells them ter take off their jewellery, right, ffen 'e takes a 'ave a look at Pat's earrings and tells 'er not ter bovver wiv them. He says she can 'ave 'er ringgs hammer and tack wen the bleedin' bill is paid in full. At Tanya's, Max is 'angin' 'round. In the bloody kitchen, right, Jack asks Tanya why now. He says 'e knows Max, and 'e wants sumfink, Max will try ter weasel 'is way hammer and tack in. Max walks in and cheekyly tells Jack ter make 'imself scarce. He says she don't seem pleased ter see 'im. Tanya says wot did 'e expect, turnin' up unexpectedly, then, guv? Max says she asked 'im ter come, wiv 'er text. She says she didn't do anyfink, and they realise that Abi did it. Max is disappointed and says 'e'll go and find an 'otel.

Monday 23 June 2008

Dot chats ter Bradley, sayin' she always said "don't trust a lady doctor". It's Abi's birffday and Tanya gives 'er a present ter open now, right, and she gets the chuffin' rest afterwards, init?She 'as a knees-up later, right, and runs ter the door wen there is a knock, and is 'orribly disappointed wen it's Jack, not 'er favver. She runs off. Tanya apologises ter Jack ,sayin' there’s only one geezer she is interested in, right? Coincidentally, right, there's also a birffday in Pat's 'ouse, of Bianca's yungest, right? Morgan says 'e wants a knees-up, right, and Bianca asks Pat for an 'andout, sayin' she can't afford a knees-up, but 'e wants one. Tanya leaves for work and Dot says she will make food for Abi's knees-up, and Jack tells 'er ter ask Ian and tell 'im ter send 'im the bloody bill. Dot says Tanya is lucky ter have 'im, and Jack replies smooffly that 'e is the bloomin' lucky one. Dot takes the list ter Ian, and 'e asks Bianca ter do it, for an extra 25 pounds, right, and she is delighted, as she will be able ter afford a knees-up for Morgan, do wot guvnor! Ricky invites Bianca ter dinner, wiv the free meal 'e won at the bloomin' Vic raffle, but she can't go as she 'as the knees-up. Vinnie suggests 'e makes 'er jealous instead, so 'e goes ter ask Claire. She is 'avin' a bad day (as 'er muvver died on the bloomin' 22nd) and says she'd ravver stick pins in 'er mince pies. Ricky invites Vinnie since 'e 'as no-one else, and 'e jokes about bein' 'is date. Stacey wonders wot 'er nervous muvver is doin' - she is tidyin' the kitchen. Jean tries ter put the mockers on 'er answerin' the dog and bone and Stacey asks 'er if she's been takin' the pills. Wen she 'as gone, Jean phones up a bloke called Ted and leaves incoherent messages about a date at Fargo's tonight. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Mrs Masood is tidyin', and still moanin' ter her ole man about 'avin' ter put up wiv Keiff. He applies for the bloomin' Uncle Bob Pat puts up for anuvver cab driver, as does Denise, 'oo 'as 'ad Barney Rubble findin' a Uncle Bob since she got back. Pat says she can't choose, she'll be accused of favouritism, so Vinnie arranges a contest, right, a race wiv radio-controlled cars. Denise wins fairly. Dot and Bradley put up decorations in Tanya's 'ouse. Jack ain't impressed, and goes ter get some better ones from the chuffin' club, right, complete wiv a light show. Dot forces Claire ter come wiv 'er, right, even fough Claire 'as skived off work, sayin' she were sick and Tanya is annoyed wen she spots Claire. Dot opens the bloomin' door ter a snotty child called Bernadette, 'oo is a wee bitch and rabbit and porks condescendingly ter evry geezer, includin' adults. She asks 'ow long Abi will be keepin' them waitin' and then asks if Mr Brannin' will be joinin' them today. Dot says err no, and she tells Dot that 'er muvver says children from broken 'omes end up as prostitutes. Abi arrives, right, and Bernadette makes a bitchy comment about Abi's dress 'ave a lookin' like a doll's, do wot guvnor! Jack and Tanya rabbit and pork in the kitchen and she thanks 'im for evryfink 'e 'as done, right, and puttin' up wiv the girls and Oscar, and all the bleedin' hassle, and 'e says 'e likes it - it makes up for wot 'e is missin', and wot they 'ave 'ere is evryfink 'e wants. Right. They seem right 'appy togeffer, right? Jean is copping ready for 'er date, right, and Stacey sneaks hammer and tack from the stall ter check up on 'er. Jean makes up a random story about wot she is doin', right, sayin' that she is lonely 'ere at 'ome. Stacey says Not so bad, and she will 'elp Jean fix 'er Nanny Goat Race. Jean asks woss wrong wiv the bloody [exaggerated clown] make-up she 'as put on. Stacey says nuffink if she wants ter go out 'ave a lookin' like Roxy Mitchell! Struth! Later, right, Jean is all dressed up and Vinnie comes ter collect 'er in a cab, right, and makes an appreciative comment. Jean is nervous. Stacey comes 'ome after she 'as gone, right, and checks the chuffin' pack of Jean's pills, findin' that Jean 'as missed takin' some. Mrs Masood is frantic about 'avin' ter cook for ten (her family and the bloody Millers) and she is snappy and impatient wen Jase says 'e wants ter say sumfink and 'e proposes ter Dorn again. Jay runs off in an 'uff. Abi's knees-up is Not so bad, the lights are switched off, right, and the birffday cake comes out wiv candles, right, and she blows them out (and presumably makes a wish). Behind 'er, right, the bleedin' door opens and the bloody light is switched on - by Max. Jack and Tanya 'ave a looks worriedly at each uvver

Thursday 19 June 2008

Bianca comes runnin' out of 'er 'ouse, right, as she 'as no idea where 'er kids are (as usual), right? Jase is frantic and shouts for Jay and is relived wen 'e comes runnin'. Up the apples and pears, in the bedroom, Dorn is dazed and don't answer 'er dog and bone wen Jase calls 'er. Mickey wakes up and Dorn tells 'im they 'ave ter get out, May 'as torched the house, but she can't ball of chalk on 'er ankle. Mickey tries ter open the window, and dahn the apples and pears, Keiff sighs that the windows are painted shut. Jase goes ter 'ave a look for a ladder, but 'is is chained ter the bloody van, right, and the bloody key is inside the burnin' 'ouse. Mickey smashes the bloody window but smoke is comin' into the bleedin' bedroom from the bloody apples and pears. Dorn is sittin' and wailin' pointlessly and unhelpfully over 'er baby, do wot guvnor! The bloomin' smoke gets worse, and Mickey is unconscious again. Jase persuades Dorn ter ffrow the baby out of the bloody window. He cotches it successfully [luckily for 'im, he'd 'ave never 'eard the end of it if 'e'd dropped it]. Ricky finds all Bianca's children messing in the cellar of the bloody Vic, where Witney (the teenager) is drinkin' some (nicked) alcopop. Mrs Masood is furious that Keiff's dog 'as left a large dog turd in the middle of 'er livin' room, right, as Keiff 'as left it locked in the house wile 'e were at the chuffin' pub. She says that she wants Keiff and 'is dog out of the bloomin' house, and she will 'ave ter get rid of the rug, right, and the sofa and curtains wen they leave the house. Her ole man makes a Nanny Goat Race as if 'e is used ter this. She goes ter put all Keiff’s bags outside, right, and notices the fire, and panics (as she 'as a phobia about fire). She is irrational and frantic as she refuses ter let 'er family go ter wotch or 'elp. However, right, her kids sneak out. Mr Masood asks if she 'as ever told the kids the bloody 'oole story about 'er fire in Pakistan. Outside the bloody Millers' 'ouse, right, Vinnie gets the bleedin' flag ter use as a soft landin' and Dorn shoves an unconscious Mickey out of the chuffin' window and the assorted men 'oldin' the chuffin' flag cotch 'im wiv probably no furffer damage. However, wen they shout for Dorn ter jump, she is already unconscious. The bloomin' fire engine can't cop ffrough because of a traffic jam, and Vinnie prevents Jase from runnin' into the burnin' buildin' ter rescue Dorn. Meanwile, right, Keiff sneaks past and goes ter rescue 'er, and carries 'er out successfully, right? Evry geezer 'ave a looks as the ambulance arrives and the bloody men put oxygen masks on Dorn and Keiff. At the bleedin' club, they can't 'ear the commotion, and the knees-up continues. Abi singgs an ole song wich were 'er favver's favourite, and Jack says it's an orful chick song, wich makes Abi run oray and sulk yet again. Jack finds 'er and apologises and tells 'er about 'is daughter and 'ow 'e feels bein' separated from 'er. Later, Abi nicks Tanya's dog and bone to text 'er favver. Tanya asks Jack wot 'e told Abi ter cheer 'er up, and Jack tells Tanya that it's a secret and 'e wants ter hear 'ers first. They smile and seem 'appy togeffer, init? At 'ospital, the chuffin' Millers are all not so bad, right, chattin' oray wiv sooty faces and oxygen masks 'round their necks. Mickey is gahn for 'is Michael Caine scan and Darren says "they won't find anyfink 'ehe." Jase brings Summer hammer and tack and Dorn says "don't worry mummy's 'ere" [ironically, given the fact that she 'as failed ter protect the baby from anyfink at all in 'er first year]. Keiff says May is dead

Wednesday 18 June 2008

From outside the bleedin' door, May begs Dorn ter let 'er make amends. She rambles on about Dorn needin' time for 'erself, and offers ter help 'er 'ave a look after Summer, right, and sayin' that Dorn is leavin' 'er wiv any bloke wile she and 'er fiance argue in the bloody middle of the square. Dorn says May is never copping 'er 'ands on Summer (then Dorn realises that she 'as no idea where Summer actually is. Mickey 'as taken the baby ter the Vic and left 'er on the bloomin' rub-a-dub seat wile 'e gets drinks and generally knees-ups. The bloomin' baby contest is bein' judged and Summer wins, right, and Dorn runs in, grabs the bloomin' baby and runs oray, init?She tells Jase ter call the bobbies. He asks why - woss 'e sposed ter tell them, eh, squire? He gives in, init? Dorn sulks and the bloomin' bobbies say May 'asn't done anyfink wrong so there is nuffink they can do, init?Dorn tells Jase ter get out, right, he 'as left 'er. He says nuffink 'as changed, right, but she says it 'as and she don't want ter see 'im again. He asks if she is sure and she says yes. Dorn locks all the doors and panics. Bianca is still puttin' letters in envelopes, right, and gets 'er kids and Pat ter help, by callin' them ungrateful. Pat says she's wotchin' a film and Bianca says 'er 'ands are free. Abi pretends ter be ill because she is sulkin' that 'er favver only sent 'er a present and probably ain't plannin' on visitin', and Tanya cotches 'er puttin' 'er thermometer on the light bulb ter heat it up. Abi wails that maybe she is just like 'er favver, and will Tanya frow 'er out too. She runs off and Tanya can't find 'er. She ringgs Jack and 'e finds Abi in 'idin' and asks 'er if she wants ter talk. She says no, and 'e picks 'er up in a fireman's lift. She screams and cries wen she gets hammer and tack and Tanya tells Jack that it were inappropriate, right, and wot does 'e fink 'e's doin', isit?[Obviously treatin' 'er like 'is own kid ain't gahn over too well.] Ian is now doin' the food at the bloomin' rub-a-dub for their Mae West of British evenin'. The chuffin' merry-go-round 'asn't turned up, but the chuffin' British beer and the pillory 'ave. Ian wonders why 'e can't cop hold of Jane, because May 'as locked 'er in the bloomin' back room of the bleedin' chippy. Ian gets worried. He tells Bianca ter take over the sandwiches, alffough she ain't sposed ter be workin' at the moment. She and Christian jokingly lock Ian in the stocks and pelt 'im. Lucy goes 'ome wiv 'er boychina and finds it empty so they plan ter have sex. Lucy suddenly gets cold feet and says she forgot ter get condoms. Ollie says 'e 'as some and produces some "extra strong" ones. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Lucy makes 'im 'ave a shower and tidy 'is teeff first, wile she gets the chuffin' lounge comfortable, right, sayin' 'e can use the bloomin' blue tooffbrush (she don't tell 'im it's Ian's). She is stallin' for ages until she 'ears the bloomin' door and then she grabs Ollie and pulls 'im on top of 'er just in time for Ian ter walk in on them. Fu 19 June 2008 Jase is out 'ave a lookin' for May, and 'ears Jane shoutin' from the bleedin' chip shop, and she tells them that May locked 'er in and she runs ter Dorn's 'ave a lookin' for May, init?May goes ter Dorn's and 'its Mickey on the head wiv an iron bar, knockin' 'im unconscious, right, and Dorn runs up the apples and pears wiv the baby. May follows and the baby 'as a nasty rash and May tells Dorn that it's 'er fault - she put fake tan and the baby 'as an allergic reaction, do wot guvnor! Dorn is relieved that it's not meningitis, and says she don't put fake tan on evry day. May says Dorn don't deserve 'er, right, and woss she gonna do for 'er second birffday, piercings, then, eh, mate? Dorn insists she is a good mum. May asks if Dorn will tell the bloody baby that she wanted ter abort 'er, right, or sell 'er off, right, and Dorn asks if May would tell the bloomin' baby that she paid for 'er. May says she'd tell the baby she would 'appily pay any price ter have 'er. May points out Dorn is keepin' the baby in this 'ovel wiv 'er latest loser boymucker, and she'll drop 'er knickers for any man wiv a flash car (Rob), right, and wot life does the bleedin' baby 'ave ter 'ave a look forward to, luv? May locks the bedroom door and takes the key. Dorn frantically says 'er fiancee will be 'ere soon, and May knows nuffink about 'im. May smugly reveals that Jase were 'er painter and 'e let 'er 'old Summer and even said she 'ad a right ter see 'er baby. Dorn realises that May is "Jenny" and starts ter cry and shout at May ter leave them alone, init?The baby starts wailin'. May and Dorn ramble on a bit and argue some more. Dorn refuses ter let May touch the bleedin' baby so May kicks 'er ankle and takes the bloody baby and says she can always 'ave anuvver baby, tarts like 'er always can, init?Dorn tries ter nick the bloody key back, but May is too quick and opens the door, and leaves, but Mickey 'as come round and manages ter grab the baby and they lock May out of the bleedin' bedroom. She finds an axe and tries ter smash the chuffin' door, ravver ineffectually. Pat loses 'er ringg and they fink it must be in an envelope so they ask Mr Masood ter open the post box (illegally), and they cop all the letters out and open them, and then reseal them. Then Bianca notices that 'er 5-year ole ffievin' wee brat is wearin' Pat's ringg. Bianca screeches at 'er kids, sayin' she is sick of the sight of them, right, just go. Right. They do, and later she 'as ter wander 'round the chuffin' square 'ave a lookin' for them. Wen she finds the bloody children eventually, she berates Ricky for 'ave a lookin' after them wen they were wanderin' 'round, right, and she takes them for ice cream. She frows the envelopes in the bloody bin. Jack visits Tanya wiv a peace offerin' and games for Abi, and says 'e will cop ffem a takeoray. Evry geezer is sulky and ignorin' 'im. I'll get out me spoons. Abi 'ides up the apples and pears. She wails that 'er favver don't care about 'er, and Tanya says that 'er favver made a promise that if they right needed 'im, in an emergency, right, she will text 'im come 'ome, right, and 'e would come, init?Abi asks if she will do it now, and Tanya says no, he needs time ter sort 'imself out, right? She goes on about 'ow 'er birffday is no fun wivout 'er favver, it's not like the fun knees-ups they 'ad wiv Dad, remember the karaoke. Jack is wanderin' 'round, and 'ears them chattin' on the chuffin' apples and pears. He takes them ter the club and turns on the bleedin' lights and offers them karaoke and DJin'. Lucy tells Ian she is leavin' 'ome and Ian says she's too yung ter have a sexual relationship, any adult would tell 'er that. She says no, Christian didn't. Ian goes straight ter the Vic and punches Christian. They 'ave an 'eated chat about 'ow ter trust Lucy. Jane and Ian go 'ome and Christian comes ter say sorry, and for wot it's worff 'e don't fink Lurch did anyfink wiv Muppet. Lucy takes a whistle and flutecase and rucksack and says she is leavin', right, anyfink is better than livin' 'ere. Ian begs Christian ter let 'er stay wiv 'im, as she listens ter him. As they leaves Ian asks 'im ter 'ave a look after 'er, addin' sadly that Christian will probably do a better Uncle Bob than 'e can. Christian. May goes into the bloomin' Millers' kitchen and cries over the birffday presents. Up the apples and pears, Mickey says 'e 'as 'is dog and bone and can call the bobbies, but then 'e falls over unconscious again. May turns on the chuffin' gas and singgs ter herself a bit then flicks 'er lighter on and the house explodes

Sunday 15 June 2008

Mrs Masood is disgusted by Keiff's filffy socks and uvver kit on 'er floor. Mr Masood decides ter use Keiff's eclectic trivia knowledge and enter the bloomin' rub-a-dub quiz, do wot guvnor! He tells 'is ole lady that 'e 'as told Keiff that 'e 'as ter leave, but the only way 'e can cop him out of the house is ter take 'im ter the pub, init? Shirley is plannin' 'er "Mae West of British" rub-a-dub night at the Vic, and asks 'eaffer ter arrange the food. Heaffer gets a right good deal from a deli that's gahn out of business, do wot guvnor! Ian suggests ter Jane that they open the chippy, right, as there is that do on at the chuffin' Vic, and Jane 'ave a looks shifty, right, and Ian sighs, "don't tell me they are doin' food at the Vic." 'eaffer arrives, as Jane agreed ter judge the bleedin' baby contest. Ian 'as a go at 'er, right, and she says she got a cheap deal. He 'angs 'round and peeks at the chuffin' van wen it arrives and laughs and asks Shirley 'ow much she paid for it. Shirley says a bit less that they would 'ave for Ian's "over-priced slops." Ian smirks that it's fit for the Royal family. Heaffer asks wot 'e means, right, and 'e says it's all German food, do wot guvnor! Bianca's children are loud and irritatin' at Pat's and Bianca tells them not ter wake up nana Pat. Witney wants ter go ter the Vic, mentionin' the baby contest, so Bianca is persuaded ter spend the bloody entrance fee, right, £5 each. However, wen she goes ter enter, right, Shirley realises immediately that Bianca's yungest is over 18 monffs and Bianca is obnoxious and cheeky, init? Bianca goes 'ome and continues 'er Uncle Bob (puttin' letters in envelopes). It's Summer's birffday, right, and Jay nicks Jase's alarm clock and Jay says 'e wanted breakfast alone. Jase asks 'im wot 'e 'as bought for Summer's birffday and Jay sulks. Dorn forns over 'er baby, init?Jay moans ter Jase that 'e spends all 'is time wiv Dorn and all 'is brass on Summer - 'e 'asn't been able ter get trainers because Dorn spent the bloody brass on a dress for Summer and couldn't take it back. Jase agrees ter meet up wiv 'im later ter play footie in the park. Jase spots May in a car across the square, spyin' on 'is 'ouse. She says orkwardly she is 'ere ter give 'im a bonus, and writes 'im a cheque. Jane is surprised ter see 'er and asks wot she's doin' 'ere. May says it's Summer's birffday and Jane lies that they 'ave gone oray for the bloody day so she 'ad better leave it. Lucy brings Ollie ter Christian's flat, right, promisin' that 'e will be out all day, and Christian comes hammer and tack and cotches them almost kissin'. I'll get out me spoons. He asks for 'is keys back. As they are leavin' 'e advises Ollie "luvr boy" ter get some decent underwear. Christian is annoyed that Lucy lied ter him about Ollie and demands 'is keys back, do wot guvnor! Shirley goes ter ask Ian ter do the caterin', as she 'as no choice, right, and 'e reminds 'er that 'e only does "overpriced slops," and says 'e usually asks for 150 pounds up front, but 'e will make an exception, 250 for them. They 'ave no brass and 'eaffer comes hammer and tack later ter beg 'im, right, sayin' she 'as brought the chuffin' float, and they will also 'ave the entrance fees for the baby competition, init? Tanya's kids are ill and off school. Oscar can't do the bleedin' baby competition and wen Jack arrives ter collect Tanya, she says she can't go, init?It's Abi's birffday and Max 'as sent a card, and Jack is nervous about the implications, and if Max will want ter come back. He rummages 'round for the bleedin' envelope that came wiv the card, right, in Tanya's 'andbag, and she cotches 'im and shouts at 'im, right, sayin' woss it wiv men wantin' ter be in control, then, eh? She shows 'im the chuffin' scrap of paper, a shoppin' list, and says next time she writes one she'll give it ter him first ter dust for fingerprints. She says 'e can't just come in 'ere accusin' 'er of fings, do wot guvnor! Is this wot it will be like, then, eh, luv? Jack says if she 'as nuffink ter hide, right, woss the problem. She says wot if there are fings that she and Max did that are terrible; would 'e right want ter know, isit?He says quietly, yes, if she wants ter tell 'im. We don't spot weffer she does or not. Dorn puts fake tan on Summer for the bloody baby competition, and then Jack arrives and reminds 'er that she and Jase are late for work. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? She leaves Summer wiv Mickey, and wen she gets back, she gets 'ysterical about the streaky over-done fake tan, and panics that she 'as ter sort it out and needs Jase ter help 'er, but Jase 'as ter go ter meet Jay, as promised, and refuses ter stay, right, despite all 'er beggin' and cajolin'. Wen 'e gets back, he says they need ter talk. They argue loudly in the middle of the chuffin' square, wiv Dorn dismissin' 'is worry about Jay as trivial, just wot teenagers do. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Jase says if this is 'ow it will be they need ter wait ter get married, right? Dorn wails and cries and goes 'ome. There is a knock on Dorn's door and assumes it's 'im, and opens the door ter see May, and panics and slams the chuffin' door and says that she will call the bobbies

Wednesday 11 June 2008

Part 1 Bianca is slow and cheeky ter customers in the café, right, where Chelsea is winin' ter Lucas about 'ow unreasonable 'er muvver is bein' about the bloody drugs. Ian don't go ter work, because 'e is wotchin' Lucy and Ollie wotchin' TV and snugglin' on the sofa, where she is pretendin' ter be ill. Wen she sends Ollie up the apples and pears ter get 'er duvet, Ian says if there is any suggestion of them 'avin' sex ... Lucy retorts that if 'e frows out Ollie, she will leave too. Dorn flirts wiv Jase 'oo teases Dorn about Jenny (May's false name) bein' mately ter him and then says 'e is only teasin', he is just gonna give 'er the bloomin' invoice. Wen Jase gets there, he finds 'er on the floor unconscious next ter an empty alcohol bottle. Jase wakes 'er up and May wines that she lost 'er baby and one drink is never enough ter help wiv the bloody pain. Jase says 'e knows wot she is gahn frough, and she don't believe 'im, but 'e says 'e couldn't spot his son for years, but it's Not so bad now, and maybe she should spot her baby, do wot guvnor! She says the bleedin' new muvver wouldn't like it. Brenda phones Charlie ter reconsider their relationship, and offers ter meet again, init?She says she 'as a secret too, and Charlie is too afraid ter meet 'er. She comes ter his 'ouse and asks why 'e stood 'er up. She shows 'im 'er secret, wich is that she is in the Salvation Army. She plays a loud brass instrument and Jean moans and tells 'er ter keep quiet. Charlie takes 'er ter the Vic and Shirley tells Brenda that Charlie is a regular Loffario. Then, Charlie makes an innocent offer ter let Brenda stay the chuffin' night, and she takes it as an innuendo and insult and flounces off. Bradley is upset by 'is boss flirtin' wiv 'im on an official memo. He asks Mickey's advice, and Mickey finks it is like the start of a romantic film. Bradley nervously avoids 'is boss. Maggie goes ter the café and asks for a latte and Bianca says "yer'll be lucky." Wen Maggie complains that she is in an 'urry, Bianca suddenly and inexplicably shrieks at evry bloke "get out, right, we’re closed." Bianca goes ter the rub-a-dub and Mickey goes ter find Ian and ask for 'is brass back. Ian finds Bianca sittin' 'round in the Vic, and she says she wants more brass. Maggie finds Bradley and tells 'im that she wants 'im ter go ter dinner tonight, and Bradley tries ter decline, sayin' if it's just social... Vinnie announces the Vic five-a-side footie team: Jack, right, Christian, Billy, right, Masood and Claire. Ian is annoyed that 'e lost 'is place ter a girl. He 'ave a looks after the bloomin' café but rushes 'ome ter check up on Lucy and Ollie evry now and then - findin' them wotchin' a child's TV programme, right, Teletubbies, right? Chelsea is workin' in the Wee Mart until she 'as paid hammer and tack Patrick. Denise makes a nasty comment wen she goes in, and Chelsea cries and calls Lucas, right, and 'e comforts 'er. Dot spots Bradley rehearsin' wot 'e's gonna say ter Maggie in the bloody mirror, and quickly backs out before 'e spots 'er. Later, Dot persuades 'im that it ain't part of 'is Uncle Bob ter do business dinners, and Stacey will be at the singles night at the bloody Vic. Cor blimey guv! He agrees wiv 'er and texts Maggie, right, ffen goes ter the Vic. Dot goes ter the restaurant and quotes religion at Maggie, and says she spots that she is wearin' a weddin' ringg, and makes a Bible quotes about an adulteress, and says that a bint of 'er evident maturity should keep 'er filffy 'ands ter herself. Maggie goes ter find Bradley in the Vic and says 'e lied ter her in 'is text, and sent 'is granny ter insult 'er, so 'e is fired. He runs after 'er as she gets in the car and says yes, he 'as been avoidin' 'er, right, but it's because she is right attractive and err... She sighs and says cop in. At the bloody singles night, Heaffer 'ands out post-its wiv names on ter stick ter blokes's foreheads and they 'ave ter go round askin' questions about the bloody famous blokes ter guess 'oo they are, etc. Stacey and Bradley cop Margaret and Dennis Thatcher, but Stacey 'asn't 'eard of 'im, and says that Bradley's famous geezer might be a cricketer or sumfink. She tells 'im ter put the mockers on 'angin' 'round 'er, right, and cop over 'er, right, and 'e takes off 'is tag and 'ave a looks at it and appreciates the irony, right, sayin' the joke's on me. Ricky is "Becks" and Claire is "Posh," and wen 'e approaches 'er as 'er motch, right, she is disgusted and leaves. Minty is Prince Albert and 'is motch is a right attractive blonde. Ian frows Ollie out, and says Lucy can choose ter stay or go, her choice. She goes ter visit Christian and wines a bit, and then asks if she can meet Ollie 'ere. [Possibly the bloomin' vainest man on the planet, Christian 'as a gigantic wall-sized arty drorin' of 'imself on 'is lounge wall.] Part 2 It's Friday the bleedin' 13ff and 'eaffer is too scared ter walk under the ladder until Minty persuades 'er. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Then 'e spots 'is blonde singgles date and rushes off. Bradley is avoidin' Dot and tells Mickey 'e were sacked. Bradley tells Dot 'e were fired, and Dot apologises but says 'e were bein' preyed on by ruddy ladies of that sort. Dot asks cautiously "did she take advantage of yer?" Bradley says no o'course not, and later, right, Maggie phones Dot's 'ouse and tells Dot that Bradley left 'is jacket at 'er flat last night (!!! Right!! Blimey!). May packs 'er bags and leaves the bloomin' key on the table of 'er nicely decorated flat. She 'esitates, right, about ter post a birffday card for Summer, and drives off wiv it instead. Dorn and Jase argue over brass wen she spends £60 on a dress for Summer but complains wen Jay wants £80 trainers. She agrees ter take the bleedin' dress hammer and tack and leave Summer wiv Jase, 'oo says "she'll be safe wiv me." May arrives in the square and gets out of the car but start ter cry as she 'ave a looks 'round at evryfink. Lucas spots 'er and goes ter rescue 'er, right, but she says she is not so bad and then she goes ter Jase's and ringgs the bleedin' doorbell, and 'ands 'im a birffday gift for Summer. She asks ter come in and Jase says Summer is asleep, but then relents and says a minute won't 'urt. The baby ain't asleep (her mince pies are open). May is entranced by the baby. Jase pops out ter answer the bleedin' dog and bone, and May cries over the baby. Wen she turns ter leave, she spots a letter from the probation office on the bloomin' table and then Jase 'as run out of baby food, and May clearly changes 'er mind about 'er final goodbye, init?[She'll obviously be kidnappin' the bloomin' baby soon.] Dorn arrives hammer and tack and as Jase goes ter get the chuffin' door, May disappears frough the bloody back door, right? Jase and Dorn are surprised wen they go into the bloody kitchen expectin' 'er ter be there. [Quite amazingly, the baby is still there.] Lucy goes ter Christian's and wines that 'e said she could use this flat. Christian says no, right, he said it on a wim, right, he is useless and unreliable. Lucy says 'e is just like Ian and treatin' 'er like a kid. She sulks and is annoyed, right, and Christian says if she acted like an adult they might treat 'er like one. Cor blimey guv! He puts the mockers on 'imself and says I can't believe I just said that. He leaves for 'is date, and as 'e walks out, sulkily says 'e is NOT like Ian. He is hammer and tack early and Lucy says "yer've come hammer and tack to check up on me 'aven't yer?" 'e says they need ter talk, right, and she says 'e is just gonna tell 'er ter be responsible about sex, and not be forced into anyfink, ain't 'e, then, eh, squire? She says dismissively that she ain't gonna 'ave sex wiv *Ollie*, right, and Christian believes 'er. Wen 'e leaves, right, she phones Ollie and arranges ter meet 'im 'ere, sayin' she 'ad ter pretend she'd never 'ave sex but she'll 'ave Christian trustin' 'er soon and they can do wotever they want. Lucas tells Chelsean 'e is movin' into the chuffin' square, No 43, and Denise is furious. She goes ter the estate agent ad tells 'im some stories about Lucas - that 'e is gonna turn it into a crack 'ouse. The estate agent panics and later, Lucas confronts Denise about wot she said ter him. The estate agent passes Bradley in the market and gives 'im 'is card, for a social chat. Bradley tells Stacey the bloke is an tosser. Later, Stacey tells Bradley that 'e should call that agent china, right, 'oo's just lost 'is Uncle Bob [presumably resultin' from 'is messy transaction wiv Lucas/Denise.] Bradley don't follow, right, and she says 'e should find out where 'e worked because there is a Uncle Bob gahn, and she gives 'im the bloomin' bloke's number and says "and on the bloody back, right, that's the bloomin' bar 'e's meetin' me at later." Bradley 'ave a looks up, startled, right, and Stacey says shes jokin'

Tuesday 10 June 2008

Chelsea rolls in right late and Denise is waitin' up ter check up on 'er. Chelsea says she 'asn't done anyfink - she 'asn't got enough brass even if she wanted ter and sarcastically invites Denise ter search 'er. Denise does, much ter Chelsea's disgust. She says she 'as 'ad the mockers put on drugs and Denise asks why she started. Chelsea says ter make 'er feel right good for a few 'ours, right, forget wot she 'ad done. Cor blimey guv! Chelsea adds that she is sorry Kevin died, but she is Denise's daughter, right, not Carly, and she were just out of prison wen Denise left 'er, so Denise can't just turn up and make evryfink awright. Chelsea says bitterly that boff Denise and Lucas can just write 'er off as a mistake, and they boff seem ter have got it right for their second child -Libby is Wee Miss perfect, and Lucas is doin' the chuffin' right fin' for 'is son. Chelsea wines ter Libby that she (Chelsea) is pretty [wot, eh, squire? how conceited is that, right, she's right nuffink special, right, particularly wen she is 'ung over and spaced out! Blimey!] but Libby 'as the Michael Caines and a future. I'll get out me spoons. Chelsea wines on wiv an incredibly unattractive self-pityingly rant and Denise apologises for not bein' there for 'er and says she will make it up ter her, init? Shirley is chattin' ter Vinnie about 'er managership of the rub-a-dub and ways ter make more profit. She wants ter sort out competitions and there is a footie league, right, wich Vinnie and Ricky are keen ter join. Vinnie canvasses players and Jack says 'e will play, midfield. Right. Bradley says no, and Claire says she luvs footie, and Jack suggests she could be the bloody physio - that would cop the bleedin' players in. Claire asks Vinnie ter write 'er name dahn and turns up at the practice in right short shorts and scores a goal. Vinnie makes them do sit-ups and push-ups, etc. She flirts wiv Jack. Charlie 'as arranged a date wiv Brenda and asks Jean wot she's been goin' on about. He forgets the bloody name of 'er children and invites Jean ter join them so she can 'elp 'im wiv this. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Brenda sends Charlie off ter get drinks and Brenda asks Jean if she is wiv Charlie, and if not, could she 'ave some time alone wiv Charlie. Jean apologises and leaves. Brenda invites Charlie ter a concert and mentions 'er ole man "Wilf." She discovers 'is lie wen she rabbit and porks about 'is "perfect summer," wich 'e 'as no idea about. He apologises profusely but she says 'e 'as deceived 'er and she rushes off. Lucy brings 'er boychina hammer and tack and says 'e 'as been frown out of 'is squat and Ian says why is 'e 'ere, then, eh, luv? She says she told 'im 'e could stay, and then says she could show 'im 'round some of the bloomin' squats she used ter use, and Ian says 'astily (after a near-heart attack), right, Not so bad, he can sleep in Peter's room. Ollie is also a vegetarian so Ian makes potato curry and asks 'im 'is plans. Lucy tries ter shock Ian wiv rabbit and pork of a tattoo and various piercings, right? She is shocked wen Ian and Jane play along and rabbit and pork about copping piercings of their own. Lucy calls 'is bluff and says it makes more sense for Ollie ter share 'er bed. Ian shouts no, she is only 14, not under 'is roof and no piercings. Lucy smirks and says 'e lasted longer than she fought 'e would - she 'ad fought the tongue stud would push 'im over the edge, and she ain't copping tattoos or piercings, but Ollie is 'er boymate and if she wants to, right, she will. She is better at messing games than 'e is - she must take after 'er muvver. Jase ends up not takin' 'is baby ter May's flat because she's teebugger and May is extremely disappointed, and 'as bought 'er a wee toy. Jase takes it wiv thanks, and then May says peraps 'e could brin' the baby tomorrow, but Jase says the bleedin' work is finished now. Chelsea is rummagin' 'round in Patrick's dominoes box and 'e says that's a great idea, and they can all play. He puts the box on the chuffin' table, and tips it out, to spot the bag of cocaine that she 'ad 'idden there. Denise is furious that she were deceived into feelin' sorry for Chelsea.

Tuesday 10 June 2008

Chelsea rolls in right late and Denise is waitin' up ter check up on 'er. Chelsea says she 'asn't done anyfink - she 'asn't got enough brass even if she wanted ter and sarcastically invites Denise ter search 'er. Denise does, much ter Chelsea's disgust. She says she 'as 'ad the mockers put on drugs and Denise asks why she started. Chelsea says ter make 'er feel right good for a few 'ours, right, forget wot she 'ad done. Cor blimey guv! Chelsea adds that she is sorry Kevin died, but she is Denise's daughter, right, not Carly, and she were just out of prison wen Denise left 'er, so Denise can't just turn up and make evryfink awright. Chelsea says bitterly that boff Denise and Lucas can just write 'er off as a mistake, and they boff seem ter have got it right for their second child -Libby is Wee Miss perfect, and Lucas is doin' the chuffin' right fin' for 'is son. Chelsea wines ter Libby that she (Chelsea) is pretty [wot, eh, squire? how conceited is that, right, she's right nuffink special, right, particularly wen she is 'ung over and spaced out! Blimey!] but Libby 'as the Michael Caines and a future. I'll get out me spoons. Chelsea wines on wiv an incredibly unattractive self-pityingly rant and Denise apologises for not bein' there for 'er and says she will make it up ter her, init? Shirley is chattin' ter Vinnie about 'er managership of the rub-a-dub and ways ter make more profit. She wants ter sort out competitions and there is a footie league, right, wich Vinnie and Ricky are keen ter join. Vinnie canvasses players and Jack says 'e will play, midfield. Right. Bradley says no, and Claire says she luvs footie, and Jack suggests she could be the bloody physio - that would cop the bleedin' players in. Claire asks Vinnie ter write 'er name dahn and turns up at the practice in right short shorts and scores a goal. Vinnie makes them do sit-ups and push-ups, etc. She flirts wiv Jack. Charlie 'as arranged a date wiv Brenda and asks Jean wot she's been goin' on about. He forgets the bloody name of 'er children and invites Jean ter join them so she can 'elp 'im wiv this. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Brenda sends Charlie off ter get drinks and Brenda asks Jean if she is wiv Charlie, and if not, could she 'ave some time alone wiv Charlie. Jean apologises and leaves. Brenda invites Charlie ter a concert and mentions 'er ole man "Wilf." She discovers 'is lie wen she rabbit and porks about 'is "perfect summer," wich 'e 'as no idea about. He apologises profusely but she says 'e 'as deceived 'er and she rushes off. Lucy brings 'er boychina hammer and tack and says 'e 'as been frown out of 'is squat and Ian says why is 'e 'ere, then, eh, luv? She says she told 'im 'e could stay, and then says she could show 'im 'round some of the bloomin' squats she used ter use, and Ian says 'astily (after a near-heart attack), right, Not so bad, he can sleep in Peter's room. Ollie is also a vegetarian so Ian makes potato curry and asks 'im 'is plans. Lucy tries ter shock Ian wiv rabbit and pork of a tattoo and various piercings, right? She is shocked wen Ian and Jane play along and rabbit and pork about copping piercings of their own. Lucy calls 'is bluff and says it makes more sense for Ollie ter share 'er bed. Ian shouts no, she is only 14, not under 'is roof and no piercings. Lucy smirks and says 'e lasted longer than she fought 'e would - she 'ad fought the tongue stud would push 'im over the edge, and she ain't copping tattoos or piercings, but Ollie is 'er boymate and if she wants to, right, she will. She is better at messing games than 'e is - she must take after 'er muvver. Jase ends up not takin' 'is baby ter May's flat because she's teebugger and May is extremely disappointed, and 'as bought 'er a wee toy. Jase takes it wiv thanks, and then May says peraps 'e could brin' the baby tomorrow, but Jase says the bleedin' work is finished now. Chelsea is rummagin' 'round in Patrick's dominoes box and 'e says that's a great idea, and they can all play. He puts the box on the chuffin' table, and tips it out, to spot the bag of cocaine that she 'ad 'idden there. Denise is furious that she were deceived into feelin' sorry for Chelsea.

Monday 9 June 2008

Denise tells Lucas ter leave and comforts Chelsea. She tells Patrick she would 'ave come hammer and tack earlier if she'd known there were a problem. Patrick says 'e didn't know it were so bad... and avoids the bleedin' full details. Denise goes ter the chuffin' shop and tells Yolande that she should 'ave sent Lucas oray soon as 'e came, right, and 'e is a livin', breabugger, right, monster and if she 'as been taken in by 'im, more fool 'er. Cor blimey guv! (Lucas walked in wile she were sayin' all this, but Yolande ravver disingenuously just 'ave a looked at 'im and kept right quiet, she is ravver vicious! Struth!) Denise tells Lucas that she remembers 'im touchin' 'er baby wiv 'is dirty smackhead 'ands. Lucas says 'e is tidy now. Denise says 'e must 'ave been disappointed ter find that they 'ad no brass wen 'e came back. She offers 'im brass ter leave for good. Lucas says Chelsea came ter 'ave a look for 'im. He tells Denise about the drugs. Denise goes 'ome and asks Chelsea for an explanation for last night. Chelsea says some bloke slipped 'er extra drinks and she can 'ardly remember a fin'. Denise says funny 'ow yer forget fings wen yor off yor Nanny Goat Race on cocaine, right, and shows Chelsea the sniffer roll that Yolande found. Chelsea grabs 'er bags and runs off sayin' ter Denise that she will go ter her favver and 'e will take 'er in. Denise tells 'er she ain't leavin' this 'ouse, and Chelsea shouts at 'er that she can spot why Lucas left 'er - why all men leave 'er. Cor blimey guv! Denise slaps Chelsea and Lucas comes in and tells Denise that they 'ave boff failed Chelsea, right, and need ter sort it out, so 'e leaves 'er 'is business card for wen she 'as 'ad a chance ter ffink. Lucy and Witney are 'angin' 'round in the café and Ian tells them ter go ter school. Bianca is sleepin' on the Uncle Bob, and Ian says there is a queue, right, and refuses ter let 'er 'ave an 'our off ter sleep. Witney agrees ter help Bianca wiv 'er Uncle Bob stuffin' envelopes, and Lucy is irritated wen Ian says she will 'ave ter brin' Bobby 'ome from school, do wot guvnor! Lucy is sposed ter meet 'er boymucker, so she brings 'im 'ome ter tea. Ian is 'orrified ter see a scummy, filffy, right, dopey bloke 'oo mumbles sumfink incoherent in greetin'. Jase and Dorn are romantic and 'e says 'e don't want ter go ter work, but the lass is payin' well so 'e 'as to. She asks 'im if 'e is local and says she 'as never 'eard of Walford. He tells 'er 'e 'as a fiancee, Dorn and it's all weddin' plans at the moment, and May says that she will be wantin' children and she induces Jase ter talk about children and Summer specifically. He says it's Summer's birffday soon, right, and May says "her first," wivout a question mark, right, but Jase don't pick up on this. May gets the conversation 'round ter how 'e must wish for time alone wiv 'is fiancee, and offers ter babysit any time. Shirley and Vinnie are arguin' about the bloomin' fact that there are mice in the chuffin' flat, she wants 'im ter get rid of them - kill them, right, trap them or poison them, she wants corpses ter prove 'e did them. In the Vic, right, Dorn asks ter see Peggy and Shirley says she ain't 'ere, and Dorn says she won't speak ter Shirley, she don't want ter talk ter the monkey, right, and Shirley says smugly that Peggy and Phil are boff out, and the relief manager is in charge. Dorn says 'oo, and o'course, it's Shirley, right, 'oo asks for an 'undred quid ter hold 'er knees-up there. Dorn phones Jase 'oo discusses it wiv May, right, sayin' that she can't afford the 1st birffday/engagement knees-up. May says slightly 'ysterically that yung muvvers want the chuffin' baby but can't 'andle the responsibility. Wen Dorn phones Jase ter ask 'im ter 'ave a look after the baby tomorrow wile she sorts out the knees-up, he ask May if 'e can brin' the baby 'ere since she said she wouldn't mind baby-sittin'. Shirley asks Denise about Carly, 'oo is stayin' on in Failand, and Deano, about 'oom Denise 'as no idea. Vinnie pays Mickey 100 quid ter get rid of the mice. Ricky asks them ter a poker game, as 'e is all alone in the rub-a-dub and 'as a bachelor pad. Mickey gives Dorn the brass ter have 'er knees-up. Jean makes soup and checks 'er emails then 'ave a looks worriedly at the bloomin' clock, so 'as possibly missed an appointment. She 'as ter go ter the bleedin' doctor and is given Liffium because she's too 'ysterical, and she rambles on ter Bradley about it. She admits that she 'as been sendin' emails ter a lass on Charlie's behalf, right, and the lass is comin' ter see 'im soon. Bradley tells Stacey and they all try ter persuade Charlie that it will be Not so bad. Jean says she sounds luvly, she 'as a bit of penpals, and Stacey says "so do prisoners on deaff row." The bloomin' bell ringgs, and Jean lets 'er in. She is Brenda, right, and Charlie shakes 'er 'and, 'ave a lookin' ravver embarrassed

Friday 6 June 2008

Dorn nags Jase about copping in late last night and leavin' early this mornin'. She wants ter visit 'im at work, but 'e avoids 'er question and she is distracted wen Mr Masood arrives wiv the bleedin' post. She rummages 'round in 'is pocket ter get the address, and finds various papers. She gets Mickey ter take 'er there ter check up on 'im. She confronts 'im angrily about wot 'e's been spendin' 'is brass on, and she found the jewellers' receipt, and 'e angrily says that 'e bought this and were gonna give it ter her last night, right, but 'e were called oray, right, and 'e 'as been workin' day and night ter get brass for their 'appy future togeffer. He 'ands 'er a necklace. Dorn moans that she don't know wot 'e is finkin', and 'e never rabbit and porks ter her, right, and 'e says 'e ain't good wiv words, right, she is paranoid, and she says 'e don't cop it, right, "I luv yer." 'e replies laconically "likewise," and she leaves, annoyed. Jase asks Jay if 'e is 'appy livin' 'ere, and broaches the subject "about Dorn." Patrick calls Lucas about Chelsea, right, and Libby panics, right, sayin' the bloody should call the bobbies or 'ospitals. Lucas asks, right, acely, right, where she could go ter get brass, and weffer she 'ad any new muckers recently, or boymates. They ask Claire and she is sarcastic ter Lucas, sayin' that Chelsea's shakin' 'er tambourine at some church do. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. They boff go 'round askin' questions and Lucas 'ands out 'is cards ter evry geezer askin' them ter call this number. Wen they cop to the cafe Patrick tells Lucas that Denise is hammer and tack on Monday, right, and 'e might be a shock for 'er. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Chelsea is sittin' in Piers' car, right, wile 'e chats ter Bradley, teasin' 'im about 'avin' stayed out all night, right, and 'e says the boss might be interested ter hear it, and peraps Bradley can organise anuvver knees-up tonight - Euro commiseration. He asks Jack again and 'e says it's short notice, but 'e is ready ter book it, right, the bloody ffird bash in a week, and it's the company's brass so they could even make it a regular slot. Bradley tells Piers that they 'ave ter pay this time, and Piers tells 'im ter use the company credit card. Bradley says 'e can't, right, and Piers says evry bloke does it, just falsify the receipt. Bradley can't afford it uvverwise, so nervously does as Piers suggests. Keiff annoys Mrs Masood by takin' over 'er remote and programmin' guide and reminders, as well as programmin' the bleedin' recordin' for the next week. I'll get out me spoons. She tells 'er ole man that 'e 'as ter get out, right, he reeks of dog and 'as 'ijacked the chuffin' TV, she wants 'im out TODAY. Mr Masood tells Keiff this in the chuffin' cafe. Keiff is deliberately obtuse and avoids them wenever they try ter tell 'im they want 'im ter leave. Ricky takes Liam ter see a midget teacher 'oo tests Liam for dyslexia, and they say 'e probably is, right, but 'e will need a psychologist test as well. Jase invites Dorn out for a nice dinner later where 'e 'as ter tell 'er ter shut it for a minute so 'e can actually chip into the conversation wen she is wafflin' on about bein' 'is girlchina. He says 'e don't want a girlmate, right, but 'e does want a trouble and strife. Right. He gives 'er a ringg made out of one of 'is pipes, and says 'e could only afford the van and the necklace, but wen 'e can 'e will cop it gold-plated. Unexpectedly, right, Jase 'as ter go hammer and tack to the bloomin' flat 'e's workin' on, right, and we finally spot the chuffin' cow employin' 'im, 'oo is May, and she is actin' more deranged [ie than she were wen Dorn refused ter hand over Rob's baby after she'd paid Dorn ter have it]. At the club, right, Claire 'as asked Bradley ter take 'er, but she is less than impressed wen she spots Chelsea there and she tells 'er the god-squad were after 'er earlier. Chelsea says she don't Claire, right, care, right, and giggles at 'er mistake. Claire tells Bradley that a bit of these blokes are doin' drugs and 'e says Jack will be furious. Lucas returns ter the club and spots Chelsea staggerin' 'round and grabs 'er, and gets into a fight wiv Piers, right, 'oo says 'e paid good brass for 'er. Bradley grabs Piers and Maggie walks in as 'e is standin' over Piers on the bloody floor. He apologises for usin' the company card for the knees-up and offers ter clear 'is desk, right, again. She says she don't mind the bloomin' use of the credit card and she likes a man 'oo will stand up ter bullies. Lucas drags a stumblin' Chelsea out of the club, right, questionin' 'er about wot she took. As 'e and Patrick try ter get 'er into a cab, right, Denise arrives in anuvver one and 'ave a looks at them, horrified, init?

Thursday 5 June 2008

Keiff wakes up on the park bench in the square and gets 'is tooffbrush out of 'is pocket and swishes it 'round in an ole pint glass wiv a few dregs of beer that some bloke left in the bloomin' square. He 'as a puddle of curry sauce on 'is shoulder and Mr Masood passes as 'e is deliverin' the bloody mail and asks 'im about it. Keiff says 'e is "urban campin'." Mr Masood goes 'ome and tells 'is ole lady, sayin' that Keiff's family took them in wen they were 'omeless, right, they should offer. Chelsean 'as werehed and is offhand as Libby enffuses about 'er muvver comin' 'ome soon. Patrick rabbit and porks ter her after Libby 'as gone, sayin' 'e got ter the bloody entrance ter the bobbies station... Chelsea panics and says she can't go hammer and tack inside. He says 'e didn't, and Patrick asks 'er why she did it, and says she ain't a child, right, will she sort 'erself out before 'er muvver gets 'ere next week. She says yes, hastily, and not right sincerely. He says Not so bad, take the chuffin' brass I gave yer ter Tanya, right, give it hammer and tack and apologise, becuase "sorry" can take yer a long way, she might even give yer yor Uncle Bob back. Chelsea thanks 'im sincerely for not tellin', and 'e says "don't let me dahn." She goes ter the salon and moans at Claire, 'oo says she can't blame it all on 'er. Patrick rabbit and porks ter Yolande, right, 'oo finds the chuffin' rolled up note that she were about ter snort the cocaine wiv. Patrick says Chelsean 'ad a scare yesterday. Dorn finds a receipt from a jeweller in Jase's pocket as she is doin' 'is werehin', right? She grins 'appily and tells Mickey she needs 'er 'air done. At the salon, Claire leaves ter go ter lunch as Dorn coems in, right, and says they are too busy, and Chelsea quickly offers ter do it for Dorn. Tanya cotches 'er and Chelsea tries ter apologise, and Lauren finds some male clobugger stuffed in a drorer and asks Tanya wot this is, and Tanya quickly says she were usin' Max's ole underwear as a duster, do wot guvnor! Then Lauren spots a large bunch of flowers that are delivered, but there is no note. Tanya takes the bloomin' underwear hammer and tack to Jack, right, and thanks 'im for the flowers, and 'e says 'e didn't send any. Wen she gets hammer and tack to the salon, Claire says Jane called and asked if she liked the flowers, they were ter thank 'er, init? Claire chats ter Bradley in the bleedin' Vic and 'ave a looks at the show 'ome brochure and says 'ow luvly the spa is. Piers tells Bradley 'e can't lock up the show flat, as 'e is busy, right, and frows the keys at Bradley, right, and Keiff overhears that there is an empty flat and tries ter ask Bradley about it. Bradley rushes off and 'e takes Claire there ter show 'er and 'as taken a bag of food for a picnic lunch, but Claire refuses, and as they leave, right, she says it's not 'im, it's 'er, she ain't ready for a relationship. Piers cotches Bradley and freatens ter tell Maggie about 'is attempts ter get a yunger lass. Bianca and Ricky arrange a dyslexia test for Liam, 'oo 'andcuffs 'imself ter a rail so 'e don't 'ave ter go. They argue as Ricky 'acksors frough Bianca's fluffy 'andcuffs - 'e blames Bianca for bringing this sort of adult toy into the bleedin' house, and adds pointedly that she is out until all 'ours "workin'." Liam says that 'e don't want them ter take 'im oray. Cor blimey guv! Ricky promises that they won't and says 'e will take the test wiv 'im, do wot guvnor! Dorn asks Keiff ter babysit tonight and 'e refuses because she didn't apologise. She says she's not gonna apologise. Later, Jase spots Keiff eatin' chips that some bloke 'as frown in the square werete bin and says that 'is argument is wiv Dorn, no 'ard feelings, right, and 'e gives 'im an 'andful of change. Keiff thanks 'im, and then 'e decides ter get a place ter stay, and goes ter the bleedin' Masood 'ouse. He manages ter chat 'is way in ter wotch TV, right, and then won't move, init? Patrick chats ter Chelsea again, right, and she says 'e is just a guilty screw-up Dad, he 'as 'is fun, drinkin' all day, right, and Patrick says 'e don't 'urt any fairy. Chelsea rants it's one rule for 'im and one for us girls, and she is livin' 'er life, and she 'ave a looks 'round disgustedly at Patrick's 'ouse and sneers that this is all she can 'ave a look forward ter - and adds "Do yer want ter know why I took the drugs, right, it made me feel right good, alive, that coke made me feel that there is a wee bit of life outside all of this crap." Libby 'as been wotchin' and listenin' ter all of this and gets somewot 'ysterical. Chelsea leaves the bleedin' room. Patrick calls Lucas. Jase says 'e 'as ter work late because the tart 'oo is employin' 'im in the bloomin' flat is a slave-driver. He 'as a surprise for Dorn and makes 'er cover 'er mince pies and shows 'er - 'e 'as bought a van, wich obviously disappoints 'er as she were expectin' the jewellery. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? She goes 'ome and sits dahn sulkily wen Mickey asks 'ow it went

Tuesday 3 June 2008

Patrick is sympaffetic ter Chelsea. Yolande is fussin' and gabblin' on about callin' the bloody bobbies, right, and Patrick says the last fin' she needs is a fussin' bint gahn ON and ON and ON about it. He tells 'er that she don't 'ave ter talk about it, right, even wen she nearly tells them why she were mugged, right, sayin' it were 'er fault, and almost spillin' the bloody story. He sits dahn wiv 'er and goes on about carryin' on wiv 'er life, right, and then gets maudlin about Jim, and goes on about livin' life and keepin' good memories, and 'e 'ands Chelsea a wad of cash (a couple of 'undred pounds) and says ter buy a nice dress, a cheap flight abroad, or 'ave a good night out and drink. Mickey, Dorn and Darren all winge about the lottery ticket and they 'ave been 'ave a lookin' at it since about 04:30. Keiff appears in the kitchen and winges pretentiously "for the want of a nail" - 'e lost an entire kingdom due ter his sluvnly tendencies and lack of needlecraft skills, ffen 'e sighs "it's only brass". He promises ter make it up, and cop a Uncle Bob. I'll get out me spoons. Bradley goes ter ask Jack's advice about Maggie's lunch invitation, right, and Jack says ruddy ladies are complicated, right, and wotever 'e fought she meant about it, there is a good chance that she meant exactly the opposite. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Bianca takes Liam ter school, and Libby, 'oo 'as been teachin' 'im, says she finks 'e 'as dyslexia. Jack goes ter the salon ask for a massage, right, sayin' that 'e 'as a bad back, he were copping ready for a workout and 'is hammer and tack just went. He and Tanya smile as they 'ave this conversation, in front of Claire. Tanya says they are fully booked because Chelsean 'asn't turned up for work today. Claire quickly offers ter do the bloody massage, right, even fough she ain't trained, right? She says ter Jack ravver flirtatiously, "go on in and cop yor kit off." Tanya 'ave a looks worried and, wen they go in, annoyed. The chuffin' salon's background music is "Luv Will Tear Us Apart." Jack comes out of the massage grinnin', and goes ter the bleedin' desk ter pay, do wot guvnor! Tanya is stony-faced and says "cash or card." Jack jokes, right, is that a trick question, right, and wen she won't crack a smile, he says "come on, Tan." She glares at 'im and says she 'ad a gutful of that sort of comment from Max, and don't even fink about messing games. Bradley 'as 'is lunch meetin', right, and Maggie gives 'im a long lesson on sales techniques and/or 'is Uncle Bob appraisal, and then says 'e 'as a nice smile, right, and they will do this again soon, and gives 'im a kiss, right, on the lips this time, before she leaves. Keiff gets on the bleedin' bus ter the bleedin' Uncle Bob centre wiv Bianca, right, 'oo tells 'im all the details of all the Queen Bess and 'assle, and 'e gets off the bus and goes ter the rub-a-dub instead. Dorn finds 'im there and 'e makes up some unlikely and divvyic lies about wot 'e did there. Then Bianca comes in and says 'e should 'ave come ter the Uncle Bob centre - she got a Uncle Bob for 500 quid stuffin' envelopes, and there were various uvver Uncle Bobs. Dorn screeches at 'im, right, callin' 'im a lazy scrounger, 'oo 'as done naff soddin' all, right, and wot were that 'e said about scroungers, and 'e mutters about family, and Dorn replies firmly that 'e ain't her favver. The bloomin' rest of them go indoors and Keiff shouts misquotes at them, right, sayin' that brass is the bleedin' root of all evil. Tanya tells Claire the till is 200 quid short, "do I 'ave mug written on me forehead?" They boff go ter see Chelsea and Tanya says she is sacked for nickin' the bleedin' brass, right, 200 quid from the bloody till. Patrick shows Tanya out and Chelsea 'ave a looks at Claire and says she took anuvver 'undred quid, then? Claire grins and says wot did she expect. Patrick is furious that Chelsean 'ad 'im feelin' sorry for 'er, and she says that it weren't like that, Claire twists fings, and Tanya were tryin' ter do 'er out of 'er wages. Patrick says sarcastically poor wee Chelsea, she is always blamin' some bloke else, right, ravver than takin' a 'ave a look in the mirror - that she's so right fond of. Patrick says wiv finality, right, grow up or leave me 'ouse - yor choice. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? He goes ter find Yolande ter apologise and say that she were right all along and tell 'er all about Tanya's visit. Yolande says that Chelsea's muvver is comin' back, and Patrick 'ad better go and says sorry ter Chelsea as well. He offers Yolande dinner and a bit of makin' up for 'is cheeky words. Chelsea goes ter pack, and finds out that the tatty jacket she were wearin' wen she were mugged still 'as the bloody bag of drugs in the pocket. She gets it out and the bloomin' mirror is on the bloomin' table, right, wen Patrick comes hammer and tack and says thank god she 'asn't left yet, he is sorry and luvs 'er. Junkie Chelsea is twitchin' and gigglin' as 'e says this and then 'e spots the bloody cocaine ready ter be sniffed on the bleedin' table and is even more annoyed than 'e were before. Right. Jack goes ter make up wiv Tanya, bringing luvly flowers and beggin' nicely sayin' 'e is on 'is knees, right, (he is goin' on and feedin' flowers frough the letterbox) for 'er ter let 'im in. She smiles and kisses 'im, right, and they are up the apples and pears by the chuffin' time Lauren comes 'ome unexpectedly early. Tanya rushes dahn, slightly breaffless and as she 'ustles Lauren into the bloomin' lounge, she 'as 'er dress tucked into 'er knickers at the bleedin' back. Jack sneaks out. A mesterious 'and picks up Keiff's lost lottery ticket.

Monday 2 June 2008

Chelsea is careless and messes up at work, and gives a tart pink 'ighlights by accident. She says she finks she 'as flu, right, and Tanya says that if she spends all weekend knees-upin', right, she 'as ter sort 'erself out for work. I'll get out me spoons. She messes up wen she is doin' a manicure for Maggie, right, Bradley's boss, stabbin' 'er nails and yornin' and sighin' all the time. Wen Chelsea starts knockin' over the bottles and moppin' up the bloody mess, Maggie says sharply, just put the mockers on, now, she 'as spent the last 'alf an 'our 'ave a lookin' in the bloomin' mirror and savagin' 'er nails. She didn't expect ter be served by an airhead, and leave 'ere 'ave a lookin' like she 'as a bizarre form of nail leprosy - she wants a refund. Chelsea says sarcastically yea, and I want a bum like J-Lo's, but it's an 'ard life ain't it. And that she ain't paid ter listen and pretend yor actually interestin': that will cost yer extra. Maggie is furious. Tanya tries ter apologise, and Maggie says Chelsea is useless, right, rude and unmotivated and needs ter be sacked, and she says that as a tart in business.... blah blah, right, diplomacy and tact equals repeat business, and then she starts ter impugn Tanya's management skills, and Tanya politely tries ter calm 'er dahn, right, but clearly gets right irritated. Wen Maggie 'as left, Tanya tells Chelsea off, sayin' that the chuffin' refund and free manicure are comin' out of 'er wages. An attractive male customer comes into the chuffin' salon and pays wiv a gold card, right, and Claire manages ter get 'erself an almost-date, meetin' 'im outside R&Rs for the (ravver more upmarket than last time) work knees-up that Bradley's boss 'as arranged for tonight. Tanya leaves the keys wiv Claire after tellin' Chelsea off. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Chelsea starts cryin' and wailin' desperately that Tanyan 'as taken 'er brass and Claire 'ave a looks at 'er pityingly and tells Chelsea that she is werehed out and spaced out on coke, right, and it's obvious wot she 'as been doin' - she 'as been out all weekend wiv Piers, right, (the concealer is wearin' off the marks on 'er neck), so eever she 'as appallin' taste in men or 'e 'as a bit of good gear. Chelsea sniffs and says she is takin' 'er brass, and overtime, and she grabs an 'andful of cash from the bleedin' till, wiv just a glance (presumably at the CCTV) over 'er shoulder, right, and rushes out, right? Claire smirks and closes the till, surreptitiously takin' an 'andful of notes 'erself. Chelsea goes ter Stacey wiv 'er brass ter ask where Sean is and Stacey can't 'elp. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Bianca screeches at 'er unruly kids 'oo are shoutin' and wailin' outside the bleedin' cafe where she's waitin' for 'er wages, and Bianca ignores them wile the bloody 5-year-old wanders off by 'erself, from the cafe. Bianca chats oray ter Liam, 'oo moans that 'e's stewpid and the 5-year-old 'as the same readin' age as 'im (and 'e's in the region of 9-12 years old). Bianca then realises that she 'as mislaid the five-year-old, and screams out 'er name. Meanwile, the bloody child is nickin' a garden pot from Mr Masood and 'as run off 'ome before 'e can cotch 'er. At Dorn's 'ouse, they 'ave won the bloomin' lottery, wiv 5 out of 6 numbers motchin'. Keiff says it's 'is deswee, right, and 'e 'as waited a lifetime, he were never whistle and fluteed ter the workin' class, on account of the chuffin' workin', right, he is ideal as the bloomin' idle rich. Keiff already 'as a list prepared for such an eventuality - top of the list is ter avoid scroungers, right, refuse them all. Keiff nods straight up as 'e says there are a bit of wereters out there, right, and they 'ave ter keep it right quiet. Mickey immediately goes ter the chuffin' Vic and shouts loudly, right, to evry geezer, that they are rich. I'll get out me spoons. Evry geezer congratulates 'im and the rest of the family arrive and Keiff starts pontificatin' and rambles on, right, lovin' the sound of 'is own voice, right, wile the rest of them ask 'im where, exactly, he put the ticket, and they need ter find out 'ow much they 'ave won. Keiff refuses ter say, right, but gets drinks, and plays dominoes wiv Patrick and loses some brass. I'll get out me spoons. Then 'e buys the bloody next round of drinks, right, sayin' stick it on the bleedin' slate. He gets drunk and wanders 'round the bleedin' square shoutin' about 'ow rich 'e is (and at risk of losin' the chuffin' ticket, I would imagine). Hammer and tack at Keiff's place, the family all ask Keiff where the bloomin' ticket is, and 'e extracts all the "valued" possessions from 'is pocket, right, includin' the lock of their muvver's 'air, the dog lead, etc, and gets ter the bottom - an 'ole. Evry geezer is upset wiv 'im, right, and the winnin' ticket blows about on the bloody pavement in the square. Right. Chelsea is in the bloomin' Vic wiv Piers wiv 'er nicked cash, and she asks 'im if 'e 'as any charlie, right, because she 'as the brass now. He smiles and asks if she's copping 'ooked, and adds that they don't need ter talk about brass, they are "muckers" and 'e 'ad sumfink else in mind, and 'e puts 'is 'and on 'er leg movin' it right up ter the hem of 'er (right short) skirt. She says no, right, and 'e says 'e will put 'er name on the guest list for tonight in any case, if she changes 'er mind. Bradley gets a parcel delivered wen 'e is in the bloody baffroom, and 'e goes ter get it in just a wee towel, and locks 'imself out. He scrambles 'round, as 'e 'as been told not ter be late for the bleedin' meetin' wiv 'is boss at the club. I'll get out me spoons. He is frantic, and wen Claire arrives ter rescue 'im, he rashly promises 'er anyfink. She asks for an invite tonight, plus dinner, right, and 'er towel back. Bradley 'ave a looks nervous, as 'e asks "now?" but she says no, right, and lets 'im go ter get ready. He arrives and is 'ugely apologetic and Maggie 'ave a looks irritated. Bradley begs ter keep 'is Uncle Bob, right, sayin' 'e will do any overtime she wants, right, work all weekend, and Maggie says, tomorrow, lunchtime, yer can take me out. Jack and Tanya start snoggin' and 'e bends 'er over the table, right, and 'is hammer and tack goes and 'e can't move. They giggle a bit. Chelsea goes ter buy drugs and is mugged by a group of girls.