Fursday 1 November 2007 (Double Episode)

Bradley and Stacey's big day finally arrives, but, right, wen Sean confronts Stacey about 'er affair wiv Max, she tells 'im that it's over and that she luvs Bradley. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Roxy rabbit and porks ter Jack about 'is feelings for Ronnie. It's Bradley and Stacey's weddin' day, init? Lauren is runnin' 'round wiv the weddin' video camera and Max shouts at 'er that she's got a responsible Uncle Bob and not ter film 'im copping drunk first fin' in the mornin' (he 'as a large drink in 'is 'and). Jack makes sarcastic comments ter Max about bein' the chuffin' head of the family. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? He leaves and Tanya says 'e were sposed ter check the bleedin' Vic caterin'. Jack offers ter do it for 'er, and goes and flirts wiv Ronnie. [He's wearin' a right nice dark grey whistle and flute today.] She asks 'im if 'e is there ter call off the poker game tonight. She takes 4,000 pounds from the bloody brass they got from Damien wich they're about ter use ter pay off some of Peggy's debts. Sean is sulky and Charlie asks why 'e ain't ready. He asks Stacey if she 'as any last minute doubts. Stacey tells 'im ter sort 'imself out, right, he is givin' 'er oray. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Jean asks 'im wich of these 'ats will make 'er 'ave a look prettiest. He replies "try a paper bag". He goes ter the bleedin' Vic and asks for a double wisky and wen refused, takes a champagne bottle from the bleedin' reception stash. Lauren is bein' annoyin' wiv the weddin' camera, do wot guvnor! Stacey asks 'er not ter stick it in 'er Nanny Goat Race, and goes up the apples and pears ter let Tanya cop her ready. Cor blimey guv! Lauren pours 'erself a drink (alcoholic) and says if Abi tells she will kill 'er gerbil. Cor blimey guv! Sean arrives, 'ave a looks at 'er drink and says "snap. Tanya appears and 'e says 'e's 'ave a lookin' for Max, and says Tanya 'ave a looks luvly. She tells 'im not ter start, and 'e's gone ter see Bradley. At Dot's, right, Bradley is right nervous and says 'e can't believe Stacey right luvs 'im, and Max reassures 'im, right, ravver 'alf-heartedly. Bradley is wearin' an 'orribly girly light lilac waistcoat and cravat. Sean arrives and says 'e needs a word, right, and walks Max oray from the bloomin' front door, right, sayin' over there. He grabs Max and frows 'im dahn and says 'e knows about 'im and Stacey. He smashes the chuffin' bottle 'e took and freatens Max wiv the smashed bottle end, init?Max denies it, right, and 'e says 'e 'eard Max goin' on, and Max says it were one time, Stacey were drunk, right, that's all, right, don't mean anyfink, right, don't blame Stacey. Sean says 'e don't, he blames 'im, and 'e were the married man she were all cut up about, do wot guvnor! Sean punches Max in the bloomin' stomach, and Max babbles some more. Sean says let's spot wot Tanya and Bradley fink about it, do wot guvnor! Max says let's not 'urt any fairy else, it were a drunken flin', right, over and done in a couple of days. Sean says funny, right, he just said it were only once. Rachel asks Bradley where 'is favver is - probably 'avin' it oray wiv the bloomin' bridesmaids, she expects. Bradley points out that they are 'is daughters! Lauren can't be bovvered ter do the video and just leaves the bloomin' camera on in the bedroom where Stacey is gonna be copping ready, and dashes out as Tanya comes in ter do 'er make-up. Sean and a dishevelled Max arrive at Charlie's and shout for Stacey. She is still at Tanya's, but realises she forgot the bleedin' rin'. She goes ter get it, right, and arrives ter see Sean and Max. Sean says "me and Jerry 'ere..." Max interrupts again and says it were only once. Sean asks Stacey if that it true, right, and she is right 'onest wiv 'im, sayin' it went on for 6 or 7 monffs. Sean says angrily, "wiv 'im, then, eh, guv? I mean, right, 'ave a look at yer, and 'ave a look at 'im! Honest guv!" [yes, right, wot we've all been finkin']. Max says it's been over for monffs, right? Max says Sean is jealous and Sean replies that 'e ain't the one screwin' a teenager wen 'e 'as a pregnant trouble and strife and she is 'is son's fiancee. Max says disloyally that Stacey came on ter him, it weren't 'is fault. Max says Stacey don't want 'im ter ruin 'er weddin' day, Not so bad, she 'as chosen, right, he is a screw up but 'e is tryin' ter change, he 'as a fresh start, new baby. Does Sean right want ter ruin all that, then? Sean says yes, right, and Max accuses 'im of selfishly wantin' Tanya. Stacey takes charge and tells Max ter go and cop Bradley ter the church as 'e is Mae West man. Sean says she is a teenage girl; 'e is nearly 40 - are yer right gahn frough wiv this, then? How can she keep it up, right, do this ter Bradley, right, she is better than that, then, guv? He says she will regret this, right, and wot 'appens wen she spots Max all the time. She says she is doin' it *for* Bradley, right, she don't want ter be the bloody wee slut any more. Stacey says is 'e doin' this ter get 'is 'ands on Tanya, ruin 'er marriage, then, eh? Sean protests it's nuffink ter do wiv that. She says 'e owes 'er, all them years runnin' out, right, leavin' 'er ter deal wiv Mum, this is 'ow 'e pays 'er hammer and tack - just keepin' 'is North and South shut about this one wee fin'. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Now 'e 'as ter choose - 'er or Tanya. Charlie arrives, and Stacey says change of plan, he is givin' 'er oray. She rushes ter get in the cab and leaves Sean standin', right, indecisively. Jack drives Ronnie and family ter the bleedin' church. Sean stands in front of the car and gets in wen it puts the mockers on. Jack accepts it, right, 'ave a lookin' a bit curious, right, and just drives. At the bloody church, they're runnin' 'alf an 'our late, and Tanya tells Lauren ter shoot a bit of video: nuffink too embarrassin'. Lauren realises she left the video camera in the chuffin' bedroom at 'ome. Hazel tells Garry that 'e 'as ter be nice ter Heaffer, right, just for one day. Jack arrives and Max tries ter put the mockers on Sean copping out. Max is pissed off at Jack because 'e 'as brought Sean, and says 'e just wants the weddin' ter be a mess and 'e is fed up wiv Jack's smug Nanny Goat Race all 'is life, and tells 'im ter go. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Sean says ter Tanya, he needs a word, just as evry geezer is told ter go into the church, right? Tanya says ter Max, go on, right, and Sean asks 'er, if she 'ad met 'im before Max, would she 'ave considered 'im. Tanya says 'e 'as issues, and says 'e needs ter sort 'is loaf of bread out, but yes, and she tells 'im ter spruce 'imself up, Stacey 'as just arrived. Sean and Stacey share an intense 'ave a look as she gets out of the car. He asks 'er not ter go frough wiv this. Charlie tells 'im nastily 'e never fails ter disappoint blokes. Sean 'ave a looks right irritated and Jean bliffely asks 'im if 'e's comin' in now. She 'esitates as 'e fails ter reply. Stacey walks in on Charlie's arm, and Max stands behind Bradley. Garry moans about 'ow many 'ymns there are, and Dot says defensively that Bradley personally requested them. Jack drives hammer and tack to the Vic. They singg an 'ymn, durin' wich, Sean comes in and Stacey 'ave a looks at 'im nervously, but 'e goes ter sit dahn. Jean gets up ter do 'er readin', right, The bloomin' Good-Morrow by Donne. She starts right nervously on the chuffin' unfamiliar ole English, but she manages ter sort it out reasonably. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? The vicar goes on about sexual union (!) and then asks if any fairy 'as any legal objections. Wen 'e asks if they 'ave any reason that they may not lorfully marry, they must declare it now, Sean gets up and stares at Stacey angrily and 'ave a looks upset and furious, right, and then walks out. Tanya 'ave a looks at 'im, do wot guvnor! Stacey 'as ter make 'er vows ter be faiffful and 'ave a looks at Bradley, right, wiv Max directly behind 'im, and she keeps 'ave a lookin' at Max and she runs oray ter the vestry. Bradley follows 'er and Tanya tells Max ter go and sort it out. Meanwile, right, Stacey is tellin' Bradley she can't lie ter him: she 'as done fings that will come between them in future. She says she ain't the girl 'e finks she is. She says does 'e right want secrets between them, isit?He says yes, right, all 'e wants is 'er ter be 'is trouble and strife. He says 'e don't want ter know it, he don't care, right, he knows she will grow ter luv 'im, he promises, do wot guvnor! Max tells 'er ter keep quiet if that's wot Bradley wants. He tells them ter make their minds up - just do it, or if not, just forget it. Tanya goes out ter talk ter Sean, and says 'e wrecked 'er weddin'. He says 'e didn't, right, he could 'ave, but didn't. Tanya says she luvs 'er and cares about wot 'e finks. Tanya asks 'im ter go and sort Stacey out before she makes a big mistake. Sean goes in and Bradley shouts at 'im that it is 'is fault. Sean says 'e wants ter talk ter her. Max drags Bradley out, right, and says let 'im rabbit and pork. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Sean tells Stacey that wotever she wants is not so bad, she's right, he owes 'er - and Bradley, right, it's 'er decision, it's up ter her. They finish the bloomin' ceremony and Bradley kisses the bride. Max 'ave a looks sulky. Jack 'as gone hammer and tack to the bloomin' Vic and Roxy chats ter him, askin' if "so, do yer wanna bang me sister or wot?" [Charmin' girl.] She tells 'im that 'er sister likes 'im, right, and Roxy says she wants ter make sure 'e ain't gonna 'urt Ronnie. She says 'e never answers a straight question, and 'e says 'e's a cop. Sean stands 'round outside moodily 'ave a lookin' at the bloomin' Vic. Inside, Peggy asks Jack where 'e went, and 'e says Max will explain - sumfink about bein' outshone. Wen Stacey comes in, evry geezer cheers, and Jack kisses 'er cheek and quickly wispers sumfink (not flirtatious) in 'er ear. Jack offers ter help Peggy wen a barrel goes, and flirts wiv Ronnie, sayin' that yer need ter be a right good liar ter play poker. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? She reads 'im right, on an 'eads or tails lie. He asks if she is, and 'e takes 'er 'and and puts 'is fingers on 'er pulse and asks 'er a few questions, favourite colour, etc, and then weffer she fancies 'im, then, guv? There's some debate about weffer she is lyin' or not. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. He smiles as she walks off. At the bloomin' Vic, the speeches are mundane, right? Charlie's is tearful. Max tells a Mae West man story about 5-year-old Bradley bein' a sweet and considerate kid, and adds that 'e's sorry, for bein' probably the bloomin' worst Dad there's ever been and 'e will try ter make it up ter him. O'course Stacey is the only one 'oo actually understands that point of the speech. Max says Bradley and Stacey 'ave only about 10 minutes before they 'ave ter leave for their flight. Sean walks in ter talk ter Max and says, chillingly, if Max touches 'is sister again, even 'ave a looks at 'er, he is dead. Stacey goes ter get changed and Bradley does the same, as their flights are soon. Max sneaks in on Stacey and offers ter help 'er take off 'er weddin' dress! Honest guv! The video camera [possibly wiv magic never-failin' batteries] is still 'idden where Lauren left it, probably tapin' all of this, o'course. Max unzips 'er dress and says 'e still luvs 'er, and tries repeatedly askin' if she is sure she made the right choice, right, and 'e kisses 'er. She pushes 'im oray after a few damnin' seconds, and says she is sure. He says sorry, right, tearfully, right, and says 'e 'as a beautiful trouble and strife, but 'e can't 'elp finkin' if they could just [have sex] just one more time. She says no, never gonna 'appen. Max says wot, does she fink this won't ever come out, then, guv? Stacey says yea, right, she is married now, right, it's all over, right, and wot does 'e want, then, eh? She says she nearly told Bradley today, it nearly killed 'er, right, him trustin' 'er, right, not knowin' wot a dirty sneaky wee 'oore she is. [Great line for the weddin' video]. Bradley is the bloomin' Mae West fink that 'appened ter her, and wen she's ole she won't fink about a quick fumble on 'is ole lady's bed, that is nuffink. She says she 'as feelings for Max, but maybe 'e could be 'er mucker one day: we did a bad fin', but moved on. Max asks wot about Bradley's failings, right, and she says no-one's perfect. She rushes off [dress magically re-zipped] because she is late, right, and Bradley is wonderin' where she is, and askin' for the video camera. Lauren says oh, right, and runs ter get it, right, where it is still recordin', from the shelf in the bloomin' bedroom, init? They cop in the bleedin' car, and Sean tells Stacey good luck and 'ugs 'er goodbye.